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BY TODD CLOUGH
Most of you will remember the Country Western song I wrote and shared with you a few columns back entitled “Keep It In Your Pants.” Here is my latest. It’s called “It is About Time That You Grow a Sack.” It is dedicated to all politicians and is sung to the tune of the Kenny Rogers classic “You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Lucille.”
It is about time you grow a sack
Do what you said you were going to do and don’t back down
Mean what you say and say what you mean and stay on track
It is about time you grow a sack
It is about time you grow a sack
Be honest and remember who you work for
Be diligent, thoughtful and don’t be a whore
It is about time you grow a sack
It is about time that you grow a sack
Quit trying to please everyone and do what you believe is the right thing
Be a man even if you’re a woman and don’t let the suits make you sing
It is about time you grow a sack
It is about time you grow a sack
Get over the party-line crap
Support and act upon integrity, not the crap
It is about time you grow a sack
It is about time you grow a sack
This country was made great by courage and grit
So stand up, speak up and don’t be a twit
It is about time you grow a sack
Zany facts
• Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world located on two continents
• Every three days a human stomach gets a new lining
• The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon & Elvis Presley
• The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan
• The longest distance a deepwater lobster has been recorded to travel is 225 miles
• When traveling in groups orcas breathe in unison
• Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do it all over again: 80%
• Paul Hunn holds the record for the loudest burp, which was 118.1 decibels, which is as loud as a chainsaw
• The Tonle Sap River in Cambodia flows north for almost half the year and then south for the rest of the year
• Baskin-Robbins plain vanilla ice cream is the number-one selling flavor and accounts for a quarter of BR sales
• The typical lead pencil can draw a line that is 35 miles long
• Smokers are twice as likely to develop lower back pain than non-smokers
• Humans are born with 300 bones in their body; however when they reach adulthood they only have 206 bones. This occurs because many of them join together to make a single bone.
• The two factories of the Jelly Belly Candy Company produce approximately 100,000 pounds of jelly beans a day or about 1,250,000 jelly beans an hour.
• The “naked recreation & travel” industry has grown by 233% in the past decade
• Most lipstick contains fish scales
• The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English language
• No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times
Made-up zany facts
• The reason males are born with nipples is that if they choose to have sex-change surgery it will save money and the inconvenience of have having a nipple addition surgery
• Auggie is now the most popular name for males in Indonesia.
• Rutabaga is the state vegetable of North Dakota.
• J. Edgar Hoover used to wear Mae West’s corset to all of his most important meetings (this one might actually be true).
• Crushed Kiwi fruit combined with ground-up sweet tarts and a dash of soy sauce rubbed into a bald man’s scalp grows hair faster than Rogaine.
• Andy Warhol was an incognito all-star wrestler who appeared under the stage name of “The Sparkling Crusher.”
• Smoking precisely six cigarettes a day, eating half of a Snickers bar followed by a shot of Jack Daniels, wearing a small square of aluminum foil in your underwear and avoiding ever eating spinach the rest of your life will lead to never having colon cancer.
• If your second toe is bigger than your big toe, you have a natural affinity to showtunes
• Painting your bedroom purple will lead to a more satisfying lovelife for both you and your partner. And, you won’t have to buy the new-fangled goop from the Trojan company that leads to explosions and such. Plus, it works even if you are riding solo.
• The juice from an overly ripe Rocky Ford cantaloupe is a natural truth serum.
• If a male wears a cowboy hat with flip-flops on more than one occasion, he will be jeopardizing his ability to reproduce.
• Singing a Jimmy Buffet song at a Karaoke bar increases your chance of going home alone (this one is also probably true).
• Winston Churchill was born at St. Luke’s Hospital and resided at 607 Race, attending Dora Moore School through the 3rd grade, at which time his parents abruptly moved to London so he could become a world-renowned leader.
Paid for by...
Have you noticed at the end of most political ads we learn the ads were paid for by a special-interest group with names that you have never heard of? Here are some special interest groups I expect to see before we exit the political season:
• Citizens Who Love America More Than You Do
• Patriots Who Bleed Red White and Blue
• Overly-Liberal Citizens Who Like Kittens More Than Humans
• Real Americans Who Simply Don’t Like Beaners
• Americans Who God Loves Most
• Citizens Who Insist On Focusing On Your Family
• Vegan Visionaries for a Non-Judgmental World With Peace for All As Long As They Don’t Eat Bacon
• A Shady Interest Group Who Believes in America Through Job Security, Small Government, No Taxes and Using Jesus As A Shield
• Unsatisfied Americans Who Support Cynical, Angry, Loud-Mouthed Punks
• People Who Honor Liberty and Justice, for Everyone Like Themselves
• Citizens Who Say Whatever the Hell They Want, With The Truth Being the Least of Their Concerns
• Homosexuals, Gays, Lesbians, Cross Dressers, Transsexuals, Bisexuals and Transgendered Gerbils for a Unified America
• Heterosexual Tea Baggers for Jobs and an Oil-Reliant Republic
• Self-righteous Airbags Who Can’t Keep Their Pie Holes Shut
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